Wednesday, July 23, 2014

My Marriage Faults

It is never easy to take a look at yourself and face-up to your own faults. Anytime that anyone points out something negative or critical about me I go straight for the defensive. Once you end up with your butt in couples therapy you better start looking at yourself. I'm not one who thinks it's all just him or just me. So far here is what I've come up with about myself.

1) Not communicating expectations.
He can't read my mind and I need to start just saying "can you take Jack for a little while because I need a nap". 

2) Keeping score.
Oh my memory is good when it comes to all the things I do right and all the things he does wrong. Why do I do this when it is not helpful at all? Well it makes for good ammunition. 

3) Having to be right.
My dear husband can be well, flakey. Even when he says something wrong and I know what he means I still feel the need to point out what he did wrong. Not only is it mean but pointless. I know it bothers him so why should I hurt him over nothing. 

4) Too much fluff in the beginning.
Boy oh boy was I The Pioneer Woman when we started out. I cooked and kept house like a good southern woman. Well, you know what, that shit gets old. He expected it and it was a lot of work. When Jack came it got even too difficult. I tried to keep up with it but I failed. Now I don't feel like doing it all. 

5) Losing my playful side.
We use to have a lot of fun. We were always so silly and had inside jokes. The more issues and responsibilities took over the less we giggled.

6) Has to be my way.
My way isn't the only way and I need to face it.

7) Letting him by.
At the start of our relationship when he did or said something I didn't like I wouldn't say anything. I harbored those feelings and then resentment built. It is things that he would have easily changed but I didn't say anything. He has no problem saying "hey could you make sure to do this for now on" so I should also. It's little things to make the other happy.

8) Not enough communication.
Guilty! Jeremy is not a good listener so I stopped communicating. What I should have done is say "can you turn the tv off and listen" but I just stopped talking. Jeremy works away for days at a time so it makes talking not so easy. He is really bad at listening and talking over the phone so one thing I had to learn was to not talk "big stuff" over the phone. 

9) Not fighting fair.
I know Jeremy's buttons and boy can I push them when I want to. When he makes me really mad I can get him just as mad by saying just the right thing. Plus, remember that great memory, well I love to throw all the things I've done right at him and all the things he did wrong. His memory stinks so he always gets frustrated. 

That wasn't an easy post to write. It really forced myself to see my faults in words and not just beating inside my head. I think knowing what the issues are is a great way to work past things and to learn to be a better wife. 

I think what I need to learn more than anything is to stop and use that great memory of mine to remember the feelings I had at the beginning when we were falling in love. I believe it is important to be aware of all the great things he does for us and what great qualities he has. It is often too easy to look at the faults of someone else instead of looking at yourself. 

Monday, July 21, 2014

Couples Therapy Round One

It is pretty taboo to talk about your marriage problems on a blog. However, after giving it a lot of thought and talking it over with my husband I've decided to share. It was always my goal to share the ups and downs of motherhood and marriage.

Let me start off with that I am very proud of my husband. Not a lot of husbands are open to therapy so the fact that he went is admirable. Two, he didn't put on a show for the Dr. R. He was honest. I'll admit that I was worried that in front of the male doctor that he might become prideful and hide some of our faults. He didn't and I thanked him for doing so. 

This session was all about communication. The doctor's point was that no one can make you feel a certain way. He made us each say something that the other did that made us feel angry. He then had us imagine if that same thing was said to someone else. Would they necessarily feel the same way? No! There is something within ourselves that causes us to set off by what the other one said. Once we can figure out why and also openly communicate what those things are we can fix those. 

Our homework was to sit down for 15 minutes twice a week and just communicate. We had to say one thing we appreciate about the other person and one thing we regret. It went great the first time. So far, so good. We go back in two weeks.