Although we are far from having baby two thoughts of if have been entering my mind lately. Before we got pregnant, and then during my pregnancy we had agreed that we would only have one. I’m not sure how we came to that decision but that is just what we always said. For me, I think it was just trying not to be greedy. I never thought I could have children so I was shocked when I saw the two lines and kept saying just one throughout the pregnancy. I didn’t want to jinx anything by wishing for more.
Now that I have Jack I have experienced a love like no other. I have also experienced a stress like no other. Raising a baby is hard. Like really hard. At almost 11 months he still doesn’t sleep through the night. My parents kept him the other night to give me a sleep break and my dad called the next morning and said “Jack sure doesn’t sleep much, does he?” He isn’t telling me anything I don’t know. J works a lot and is gone so I do the single parent thing most nights. It is hard juggling things with a baby. Taking a trip to the grocery store is real work. Jack hates the buggy and even toys don’t soothe him. I end up having to hold him and push a buggy which is not easy. I come out looking like I left the gym.
Daycare is also expensive. If we had another baby we would have to move to my hometown so my mom could watch the babies because we couldn’t afford 2 kids in daycare and if we have 2 babies I don’t want to wait until Jack is in school. Do we even want to move? We aren’t sure but we would have to if we did this again.
The biggest issue is my horrible birth experience. I can’t go through that again. The last month of my pregnancy was spent in and out of the hospital. The c-section experience was super scary. I had a panic attack in the middle of it. Jack had to be flown out and spent his first days in the NICU with me not with him. Once we got home I was SICK and ended up having to have surgery 2 months after his birth due to a crappy c-section. During those 2 months I was in and out of the hospital while they were trying to figure out what was wrong. I spent countless nights away from Jack. After surgery we had to move in with my parents while I recovered. I couldn’t do anything while I recovered. There were times before and after surgery where I couldn’t even hold him. Oh the medical bills! Just the helicopter ride Jack had to take was $12,000.
In reality having another baby is probably not a good idea due to all the complications. Yes, it is possible that everything will be completely different and it will be perfect. However, things might not go that way. It’s hard. I would love to have another baby in say another year but I’m already getting sad at the idea that we might have to say no. We’ve discussed adoption and both of us are cool with the idea. We just know that it isn’t an easy process.
Who knows where things might lead? I just feel like we have to use our brains and our hearts on this decision. We are so blessed to have Jack so regardless we have what we need. Anything more is just extra blessings.