I witness women who are or at least seem to be free of resentment each day as I read blogs. I witness it in my real life. It makes me crave to be that person. I vow to stop the resentment. Life turns into chaos and I am resentful again and hating myself for feeling it and acting out on it.
Let me explain. As you may or may not know my husband is an EMT, soon to be paramedic. He works days/nights at a time which leaves me as a single parent and president, secretary, and treasurer of our home. It is a lot. So much pressure. Some days I handle it with grace and some days I'm on the phone screaming at my husband that it isn't fair that I'm having to do this without him here. He gets mad because there isn't anything he can do and I get mad because there isn't anything he can do. I also get mad at myself for not handling it with grace.
When Jack has a fussy night there is no one to say please take him and let me have a break. When I have to go to the grocery store after working all day I can't give him to his dad while I do the errand. If Jack is being fussy there isn't anyone to take over folding the load of laundry.
I try and plan ahead. Some days I rock it and some days I don't. I fail miserable. Some nights after Jack goes to bed I use my time wisely by doing all the things I can't do while at work or being with Jack. Some nights I hide from it all. When I hide I always set myself up for failure because the work load is twice the next day. I in turn resent him even more for loving a job that keeps him away from us and keeps the work load tilted toward me because I am home after all.
Resentment is not good but I don't how else to handle it. I try and remind myself that others have it WAY worse than I and sometimes that helps for awhile.
The hardest part is that I would LOVE to have another baby but I think about twice the work. Two babies in car seats. Two babies to get to sleep. Two babies to bathe. Two babies to feed. Two babies and twice the work.
I literally went into an almost breakdown cry today as I discussed these feelings with J. I told him that I would love to have another baby one day but I was worried about being able to handle all of the work on my own. He was sweet about it and all but I still worry that I couldn't handle it. I know I could do it but handle it with happiness and grace is another thing. I don't want to be an angry stressed out mom.
I want to be that person who can do it all and do it looking great and with a smile but I am failing at being that person. Why can't I just be grateful that I have this family to care for? Why can't I just be grateful that my husband has a job he loves? Why does resentment creep up in me and show itself in the worst of times?