Things To Look Forward To

To say that my life has been hectic and crazy would be a crazy under exaggeration. 

Jack and I are still at my parent's house and I'm pretty sure we will be for awhile. I've made my peace with it. It isn't ideal, especially for someone who has been on their own since 18, but I know it is what is best right now. Having the support of my family has been amazing. Of course, I miss the decorating on my own aspect and being the matriarch of my family but I remind myself that this is temporary. 

November and December are my favorite two months so that is helping me get into a great spirit. Not only is it the holiday season but Jack's birthday is on the 7th of November and we are out of school that day. I also have some fun things planned. I'm not going to let our situation ruin this time for us. 

Thankfully his costume came in the mail days before Halloween.

Can you tell I'm a librarian?

No big news on the divorce front. The lawyers are doing their thing and my stomach stays in knots. I had wished we could stay away from the courts but there is no other way. I just have to keep my faith and stay strong. I know that God will keep us safe and whole. 

Marriage Is A Tricky Thing

As I am unexpectally going through a divorce, I have given a lot of thought to this concept of marriage. Please bare with me as I fumble through to try and express my thoughts and feelings. 

I don't have a huge circle of people in my life but I am blessed to have the people I do have in my life. I have a lot of family members but we aren't close to everyone. My immediate family members are the ones I've had unconditional love for and from since always. There isn't a question, worry, or concern when it comes to these people in my life. I love them for always, no matter what. The relationship you have with your parents and siblings is so natural and without conditions or stipulations. I know this isn't true for all families but for us it is. 

November 7, 2012 is the day that I became a mother and my, without a doubt, unconditional love was born. There isn't even a question about my love for him. It is just automatic. If you are a mother then you know exactly what I'm saying and will understand how hard it is to explain. 

When you have a family with a husband, wife, and a child there is a lot of love there but the love is different. I believe the reason they say put your spouse before your child is because the relationship you have with your spouse takes work in order for that love to stay and grow. The relationship you have with your child is just an automatic love and it's easy to put that relationship first because it feels natural so it's just easier. 

My parents love me unconditionally, as do my siblings, my nephew, and my son Jack. I know there are women and men who probably love their spouse unconditionally, who regardless of what the other did would forgive them, but for most spouses there is something that could break that bond. 

Marriage is tricky. Oh how I wish it was as easy as I once thought. I believed you loved it each other and that was it. I grew up surrounded in love and didn't know any other way. Now I know different. 

Boys Are Odd Creatures

Since Jack and I are staying with my parents, we are able to spend even more time with Bennett. My sister, her husband, and their son Bennett are also living with my parents while their house is being built. Yes, there is a house full but it is great!

From all of this togetherness between Jack and Bennett I've learned that boys are odd creatures. Put two boys together and the odd factor increases. 

Here are some things I just don't get about boys:

1. Climbing into the toy box is way more fun than any toy inside.

2. One minute one boy can barely tap the other and there is a total meltdown. The next minute the same boy can slap the fire out of the other and they die laughing. 

3. Crashing their cars into each other causes a laughing riot like no other.

4. Except for splashing water out of the tub which is hilarious and when it lands on me and I say "stop it" the boys just can't stop the belly laughing. Evil little  things :)

5. The word booty causes happiness, dancing, and laughter that only boys understand. 

6. Those two boys tie up like no ones business but man oh man do they love each other. Out of nowhere Bennett will say "I love you Jack" or Jack will lean over and give Bennett a huge hug. Of course, two seconds later they are fighting over a toy neither of them want. 

7. Attention, good or bad, has to be fair. If Jack jumps in the recliner and we tell him to get down. We already know that Bennett is going to do it next just so we can tell him to get down too. 

8. They love, love, love to annoy each other and make the other one scream. I thought girls were known for their screetching tantrums but these boys could beat out any girl.

9. Being naked is fun. Running naked is even better. Running naked with a towel as a cape equals the most fun ever. Wrestling them to get their clothes on is not so fun for mamas. 

10. They don't sit still very often, so getting sweet cuddles come in fleeting moments, but when they are sweet and loving there is nothing like it. The way a son loves his mama is an undescribable love. I will also say my relationship with my nephew Bennett is a strong one. It makes me one happy Lala that he and I are so close.  Hopefully, we will always have that strong bond. 

Bennett and Jack keep us on our toes. You never know when they are going toward each other if they are going to slap each other or hug. Boys are just odd. Maybe girls are too, but since we have no ribbons and bows to compare them to, I'm just gonna have to go with that boys are odd. 

Do these behaviors describe little boys you know or are the girls you know just as odd?  

What Will The Future Hold?

Living amist this difficult situation has me thinking about my future again unlike I thought I would ever again. Not so long ago I thought my future was written. I had the husband, the baby, the job, the house, and I thought the future was just living it. Surprise. 

Life has a way doesn't it? 

My future is wide open again. I thought I had married my soul mate. Now, one day in the far future, I might be married to someone else. It seems mind blowing. 

Where will we live? There were months where I struggled with whether or not our family should move and now we have without much thought, just action. In the future Jack and I will move into a new house. His baby bedroom that I pictured turning into toddler bedroom is now a distant thought. He will probably never see that bedroom again. He never got to tell it bye.

Our family goals we made on New Years are still hung on our bedroom door. Those pieces of paper never saw divorce coming. 

The idea of starting over, or partially starting over, doesn't feel exciting. The future makes me nervous. I'm not sure how I'll be able to trust anyone again. Being blindsided by someone you love does something to you that can't be easily undone. 

One thing I have to remind myself of is that it is early and things are still very raw and emotional. It is crucial that I focus on positives. Having Jack in my life to bring me so much joy is such a blessing. Also, having such supportive family and friends makes me feel sheltered in the middle of this storm. 

Getting Focused

When it feels like your life is unraveling around you it is really difficult to focus on the day to day life activities that we take for granted. They are simple tasks until the wind is taken out of your sails. Those simple tasks become trival and hard to focus on. Your main goal is just to make it through each day without falling apart and showing Jack as much love as possible. 

Since our separation my mind has been all over the place. I go from depressed, to "I can do this", to I'm making the best of the situation, and back to depressed. Right now I'm trying to get focused on our future. Even if that means making a list of simple tasks to do each day. 

I literally feel like if I sat down and wrote out my to do list I could fill out two pages and spend an hour doing it. Last night I couldn't sleep as everything whirled in my mind that needed to be done. The time has come for decisions to be made and progress to be made. 

My first goal is to sit down and make that to do list. I need to get all of this out of my mind and onto paper. I need two lists-one for work and one for me. Once the lists are made then I need to number them by priority and rewrite them in order of importance. Then I need to start making daily to do lists and get my butt into gear. This single mama has gotta get it together regardless of how much I'm hurting.

On a sidenote, I want to express my love, thanks, and appreciaiton to my blogging friends who have reached out to me. Your love, support, and prayers have given me more strength than I can express.