Thursday, October 17, 2013

Sometimes I Want to Play Pretend

Listen Sookie.: Mama Guilt 101 {The Spaghetti Files}

What I'm about to write might make you think I'm a horrible mama. Sorry in advance. If you don't think I'm a horrible mama then you are probably a mama.

I struggle from time to time about me time. Not the me time where your mom watches the baby while you clean the house and run errands. I'm talking the me time where you have too many drinks and sing Islands in the Stream with your BFF in a room full of strangers who have become your new people for the night. 

See I use to be that gal. Friday night could be a road trip to a party town where we arrive at 10 and go to bed at 3. Man I use to be fun. Like really fun but yet I was sad with the cravings of a family. Those rowdy nights I would never give back. Those nights, those memories, are what bring me smiles during a 3 am feeding. 

I've been out twice trying to recreate a night like I use to have. I've fallen short twice. Drinks make me miss my baby. Seeing non-mothers dressed in the newest fashions make me sarcastic, okay jealous. Seeing mothers who are regulars makes me sad and guilty that I'm even there at all. I start regretting being out and not doing all those things I never have time to do. I start thinking that I really should be cleaning, painting my nails, taking a long bath, reading a book, or coloring this graying hair. I mean I spend so much time saying "I just wish I had time to....". Why would I spend my time throwing a few back with my friends laughing at old times when I could finally be tackling Jack's scrapbook? I know the obvious answer is you need to make time for your friends and also have fun. When you become a mother things become all about the practical.

The other day a song came on that had me really missing my old self and wanting to take that trip to see a fun time friend. I imagined drinks at all our places, playing pool and shuffleboard, shopping at the Farmers Market, watching the football game at our favorite margarita joint, and then I imagined how much I'd miss my Jack. Four hours away is too far for a midnight "I have to get back home". It feels just like I was a kid wanting to stay at my cousins but knew I would freak out and want to go home. Full circle people.  

A mother friend thinks I need to take the leap and that I'll be fine. The two times I've tried tell different stories. It's hard. I have had this trip planned since I was pregnant just not sure I can follow through but man I wish I could and enjoy every minute of it. I just want to play pretend.

4 comments :

  1. Go out and enjoy yourself!!! You are a WONDERFUL mom and you deserve a vacation!

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  2. Right there with ya lady....I know exactly how you feel!

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  3. 1. You are absolutely not a bad mother for wanting to get out and have fun (and this is coming from a non-mother who wants desperately to be a mother so you know I'm being honest) and 2. Even without kids of my own, I sometimes want to re-live the old party days and realize that, at 30, I no longer have the drive or stamina to do it. I would have an easier time WAKING UP at 3 am than GOING TO BED at 3 am now. And that's ok. Our ideas of fun change as we change. As we grow up or change priorities or whatever. Having said that, though, I think everyone, no matter their season in life, should get to let their hair down, so to speak, every once in awhile. So go enjoy yourself, my friend. Jack's not even going to remember it so the guilt is just a waste of your time. Time that I'm sure you could better spend elsewhere. :)

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  4. Same boat here, too! Let's meet half way and have an epic GNO! hahaha

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