Thursday, October 17, 2013
Sometimes I Want to Play Pretend
What I'm about to write might make you think I'm a horrible mama. Sorry in advance. If you don't think I'm a horrible mama then you are probably a mama.
I struggle from time to time about me time. Not the me time where your mom watches the baby while you clean the house and run errands. I'm talking the me time where you have too many drinks and sing Islands in the Stream with your BFF in a room full of strangers who have become your new people for the night.
See I use to be that gal. Friday night could be a road trip to a party town where we arrive at 10 and go to bed at 3. Man I use to be fun. Like really fun but yet I was sad with the cravings of a family. Those rowdy nights I would never give back. Those nights, those memories, are what bring me smiles during a 3 am feeding.
I've been out twice trying to recreate a night like I use to have. I've fallen short twice. Drinks make me miss my baby. Seeing non-mothers dressed in the newest fashions make me sarcastic, okay jealous. Seeing mothers who are regulars makes me sad and guilty that I'm even there at all. I start regretting being out and not doing all those things I never have time to do. I start thinking that I really should be cleaning, painting my nails, taking a long bath, reading a book, or coloring this graying hair. I mean I spend so much time saying "I just wish I had time to....". Why would I spend my time throwing a few back with my friends laughing at old times when I could finally be tackling Jack's scrapbook? I know the obvious answer is you need to make time for your friends and also have fun. When you become a mother things become all about the practical.
The other day a song came on that had me really missing my old self and wanting to take that trip to see a fun time friend. I imagined drinks at all our places, playing pool and shuffleboard, shopping at the Farmers Market, watching the football game at our favorite margarita joint, and then I imagined how much I'd miss my Jack. Four hours away is too far for a midnight "I have to get back home". It feels just like I was a kid wanting to stay at my cousins but knew I would freak out and want to go home. Full circle people.
A mother friend thinks I need to take the leap and that I'll be fine. The two times I've tried tell different stories. It's hard. I have had this trip planned since I was pregnant just not sure I can follow through but man I wish I could and enjoy every minute of it. I just want to play pretend.
Posted by Ashley Ponder at 5:30 AM