Jack was a difficult baby. He never seemed to get on a schedule no matter how much I tried. He slept horrible or rather I should say he rarely slept. Nothing seemed to make him happy and if we found anything it didn't keep him happy for very long. Honestly, work was my break time. I use to feel absolutely awful about being happy about dropping him off at daycare. It really felt like I never got a real break. When I was at work I was working and when I got off work the real hard work started.
Pictures from our difficult times
The summer wasn't easy either. I was so excited about spending time with my precious baby and it was great but boy was it hard. It was work day and night. He still wasn't sleeping at night. In order to get him to fall asleep, even for naps, it was pure hell. He fought it all the way. He choked on every type of food we gave him. He was crawling which was amazing to witness. I waited for that moment for so long. I couldn't wait for him to be able to really enjoy all those wonderful toys we bought him. He had almost no interest in them. He wanted cords, leaves, the dog, my hair, pretty much anything he wasn't suppose to have in his mouth. I know that is what babies do but it got exhausting with little sleep. Each time I put him down he would scream but when I held him he would wallow all over me. Not the summer I imagined.
Work started back and once again my work became my break. I spent my lunch break like it was a Bahamas vacation trying to live it up as much as I could in those 40 minutes. I would use every free moment before, during, and after work to take care of adult business like bills, phone calls, post office visits, and store runs. Jack hated being in the car seat and hated going to the store even more.
In November he turned one and started walking. Things did get a little easier. I started taking Celexa which helped with the anxiety I was feeling over him getting hurt. He started sleeping a lot better. We got smart and put up a baby gate between the living room and kitchen. We then baby proofed the areas that he had access to. We turned our foyer into a playroom area to get the bigger toys out of the living room. For the first time since Jack was born I could actually relax a little. He could play without me worrying and I was able to clean house, watch tv, blog, read, and even really enjoy him like never before. He started eating like a champ. He started playing with all his wonderful toys.
Life was grand during Christmas break! Two whole weeks with my amazing baby boy who brings so much joy to my life. We had fun. It was so nice. He woke up around 6 am and we spent most of the morning just playing, eating, watching some cartoons, and taking a nap. Our afternoons looked similar. We just hung out and it really was a blast.
I did NOT want to go back to work and it broke my heart. I'm a teacher and I love my students but I wanted to spend the day teaching my kid. Getting up in the mornings is so difficult because I really don't want to leave. I want to be at home with my baby. I hate being at work dreading being there. It isn't the way it is suppose to be. I've got to find a way to get my passion back. As much as I would love to stay home, I can't. It just isn't financially right for us and probably never will be.
Sorry for such the long post but I needed to write these feelings down so maybe I can make peace with them because I need to so I can let it go.
Come on Spring Break!
I just stumbled across your blog and while my son is just 3.5 months old, he is like your kid in some ways. He fights sleep every. single. time. It's exhausting. Sometimes I make the comment that I want to go back to work just to have a break. That probably sounds horrible!
ReplyDeleteJack is at a great age and it must make it even harder to go to work. We make tons of sacrifices for me to stay home and should make more. You will get your passion back, it may just be harder sometimes.
ReplyDeleteBella was a pretty easy baby, but it took me three years to be able to admit that I struggled with what was likely a touch of post-partum depression when she was an infant. And breastfeeding, which I expected to be a beautiful bonding experience, was torturous. So I understand what you're saying. But isn't great to hit that stride with being a mother? When I got to the point where I didn't want to go to work either, a great mommy and teacher friend of mine explained to me the sense of accomplishment and empowerment she feels from being a working mother. Framing it with that perspective has helped me immensely!
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