Baby Number Two Thoughts

Although we are far from having baby two thoughts of if have been entering my mind lately. Before we got pregnant, and then during my pregnancy we had agreed that we would only have one. I’m not sure how we came to that decision but that is just what we always said. For me, I think it was just trying not to be greedy. I never thought I could have children so I was shocked when I saw the two lines and kept saying just one throughout the pregnancy.  I didn’t want to jinx anything by wishing for more.

Now that I have Jack I have experienced a love like no other. I have also experienced a stress like no other. Raising a baby is hard. Like really hard. At almost 11 months he still doesn’t sleep through the night. My parents kept him the other night to give me a sleep break and my dad called the next morning and said “Jack sure doesn’t sleep much, does he?” He isn’t telling me anything I don’t know. J works a lot and is gone so I do the single parent thing most nights. It is hard juggling things with a baby. Taking a trip to the grocery store is real work. Jack hates the buggy and even toys don’t soothe him. I end up having to hold him and push a buggy which is not easy. I come out looking like I left the gym.

Daycare is also expensive. If we had another baby we would have to move to my hometown so my mom could watch the babies because we couldn’t afford 2 kids in daycare and if we have 2 babies I don’t want to wait until Jack is in school. Do we even want to move? We aren’t sure but we would have to if we did this again.

The biggest issue is my horrible birth experience. I can’t go through that again. The last month of my pregnancy was spent in and out of the hospital. The c-section experience was super scary. I had a panic attack in the middle of it. Jack had to be flown out and spent his first days in the NICU with me not with him. Once we got home I was SICK and ended up having to have surgery 2 months after his birth due to a crappy c-section. During those 2 months I was in and out of the hospital while they were trying to figure out what was wrong. I spent countless nights away from Jack. After surgery we had to move in with my parents while I recovered. I couldn’t do anything while I recovered. There were times before and after surgery where I couldn’t even hold him.  Oh the medical bills! Just the helicopter ride Jack had to take was $12,000.  

In reality having another baby is probably not a good idea due to all the complications. Yes, it is possible that everything will be completely different and it will be perfect. However, things might not go that way. It’s hard. I would love to have another baby in say another year but I’m already getting sad at the idea that we might have to say no. We’ve discussed adoption and both of us are cool with the idea. We just know that it isn’t an easy process.

Who knows where things might lead? I just feel like we have to use our brains and our hearts on this decision. We are so blessed to have Jack so regardless we have what we need. Anything more is just extra blessings. 

Resentment

I witness women who are or at least seem to be free of resentment each day as I read blogs. I witness it in my real life. It makes me crave to be that person. I vow to stop the resentment. Life turns into chaos and I am resentful again and hating myself for feeling it and acting out on it. 

Let me explain. As you may or may not know my husband is an EMT, soon to be paramedic. He works days/nights at a time which leaves me as a single parent and president, secretary, and treasurer of our home. It is a lot. So much pressure. Some days I handle it with grace and some days I'm on the phone screaming at my husband that it isn't fair that I'm having to do this without him here. He gets mad because there isn't anything he can do and I get mad because there isn't anything he can do. I also get mad at myself for not handling it with grace. 

When Jack has a fussy night there is no one to say please take him and let me have a break. When I have to go to the grocery store after working all day I can't give him to his dad while I do the errand. If Jack is being fussy there isn't anyone to take over folding the load of laundry. 

I try and plan ahead. Some days I rock it and some days I don't. I fail miserable. Some nights after Jack goes to bed I use my time wisely by doing all the things I can't do while at work or being with Jack. Some nights I hide from it all. When I hide I always set myself up for failure because the work load is twice the next day. I in turn resent him even more for loving a job that keeps him away from us and keeps the work load tilted toward me because I am home after all. 

Resentment is not good but I don't how else to handle it. I try and remind myself that others have it WAY worse than I and sometimes that helps for awhile. 

The hardest part is that I would LOVE to have another baby but I think about twice the work. Two babies in car seats. Two babies to get to sleep. Two babies to bathe. Two babies to feed. Two babies and twice the work. 

I literally went into an almost breakdown cry today as I discussed these feelings with J. I told him that I would love to have another baby one day but I was worried about being able to handle all of the work on my own. He was sweet about it and all but I still worry that I couldn't handle it. I know I could do it but handle it with happiness and grace is another thing. I don't want to be an angry stressed out mom. 

I want to be that person who can do it all and do it looking great and with a smile but I am failing at being that person. Why can't I just be grateful that I have this family to care for? Why can't I just be grateful that my husband has a job he loves? Why does resentment creep up in me and show itself in the worst of times? 

Boo Canvas Art

Friday night after Jack went to bed I was feeling a little creative and decided to make a canvas for Halloween. Since I'm not very artsy I needed to keep it simple. 

First I taped off my stripes. It was pretty easy since I used 2 inch tape.

I then painted the not taped stripes yellow. After two coats I pulled the tape off while the paint was still wet. 

I then carefully painted where the tape was orange. I was going for a candy corn look.

Once things were all dry I painted boo onto the canvas. 

It isn't perfect but I still think it turned out pretty cute. If I find the right ribbon I might add that to the back. We don't have a lot of Halloween decorations so it is nice to contribute a little something. 

Weigh In Wednesday

I made some progress. Not a lot, but enough to get me excited. 2 whole pounds gone!

211 peeps!

Here is my secret. Are you ready? Billion dollar secret for ya. I ate less and moved more. That’s all I did.

Jack and I took afternoon walks. I ate fewer calories by stopping myself before I ate something to find out if I really wanted it.

I stress eat. I celebrate eat. I just straight up eat. I love baking and eating. I love cute food. I love the comfort of food. I hate being fat.

Exercise. Love and hate. I absolutely love the feeling AFTER exercise. It takes everything in me to muster up the energy to walk. I work really hard to talk myself out of it. So much time is spent talking me out of it that I could have already been done.  Sometimes healthy Ashley wins and sometimes big girl Ashley wins. This week healthy Ashley just happen to win a little more.

Exercise just sucks. It isn’t fun. It isn’t going to the dentist but it sure isn’t watching tv eating ice cream either. My legs ache. I don’t like sweating. I don’t enjoy my legs chaffing together. My body creaks and cracks as I push myself upward and onward through our neighborhood. I know it will get easier if I just keep working at it.  It’s the time between now and then that isn’t all that great.

I’m setting no goals. I’m just going to keep moving forward at struggling each day to eat less and move more. 

What Should Jack Be For Halloween?

It is Jack's first Halloween!!! I was never a huge super fan of Halloween because I personally don't enjoy dressing up. I never thought I would care too much about what Jack was for that frightful night but once I started looking I've become a little hooked. Jeremy gets random pictures of costumes throughout the day. I keep trying to convince my childless friend that Halloween costumes should become one of her pros for having a baby. Here are a few of the contenders. 

Let me know your thoughts! Oh and sorry for the lack of editing. It's late!

Choice #1 

 I'm not even a huge Elvis fan but this little guy is just stickin' cute. It isn't too common and I think it would be a hit. 

Choice #2

Sock monkeys are just plain cute. They are "baby-ish". There aren't many Halloweens where he could pull this costume off. My husband said NO!

Choice #3

I have an owl obsession. If you walked in my house you would believe me. The school I grew-up in and got my first job at has the owl as their mascot. I received lots of owl stuff and my collection continues to grow. My husband thinks owls are girly but nothing about this costume is girly to me. He is wearing a freaking tie. I LOVE this one!

Choice #4

I love the colors in this costume. It is very Halloweeny which I like and is adorable. Plus I think the hood part would most likely stay on more than a hat. The problem with this one and the sock monkey is that sometimes here in lower Arkansas Halloween can be pretty warm. I hate not knowing what we should dress for. 

Choice #5

I never would have thought I would like something like this. There is just something about babies dressed to look like adults that crack me up. Those tats....melt me! 

So which one do you think I should choose? (Please ignore my husband's thoughts). 

Get Off of Me

Disclaimer: There is nothing sexual about this post. Just wanted to put that out there even though this story does occur in bed.

When we go to sleep we turn and face the other direction. It is just the way we both sleep best. Every once in awhile he will want to snuggle as he is going to sleep. I hate it! There, I said it. I know it isn't the way I'm suppose to think. It is just too much pressure. 

I'm a fidgety person. I shake my leg as I go to sleep. I itch. I turn. I have to pee. Sleeping is such a process for me. When he is holding me I kinda panic inside because I know I need to be still so he can go to sleep. If I say something he always says "you don't ever let me hold you when we sleep". 

I wish I were a more snugly person and I guess I am as long as we aren't actually going to sleep. As long as he is holding me I can't sleep. 

Just another one of those marriage things that takes compromising. He is learning and we are comfortable now that when I say "get off me" he knows I mean it lovingly and that I just need my sleep space. Now of course he is going to make some snide comment about me saying something but that is just the man I love. 

Life Changes Since Jack

Pre-baby: Went to bed closer to midnight.

Post-baby: Hits the pillow when the ice cream truck is still rollin'. 

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Pre-baby: Cleaned house about once a week.

Post-baby: There is not enough time to keep the house clean.

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Pre-baby: I woke up for work at 6:30 and was able to get out the door by 7.

Post-baby: The latest I wake up is 5:45 but most days it is 4:30.

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Pre-baby: I use to find myself bored when I got home from work. 

Post-baby: I yearn to be bored.

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Pre-baby: I thought I knew what love was.

Post-baby: I fall crazily in love with him more every day.

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Pre-baby: Meals were cherished and so quiet.

Post-baby: Meals are rushed or nonexistent. 

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Pre-baby: Music was a huge part of my life. 

Post-baby: Now I want the car quiet just so I can enjoy some peace.

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Pre-baby: Friends were my family and my family was just my family.

Post-baby: Many friends are gone and my family is my lifeline. 

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Pre-baby: My mind could rest.

Post-baby: Even when all is well I'm still worried. I think motherhood is a constant worry.

What thing has drastically changed since having a precious baby? 

Jack at 45 Weeks

My little sweet baby child has hit a brick wall. I think it's a growing spurt or teeth or a wonder week or probably all 3. For the first time since he has been in daycare they said he was cranky. Saturday-Monday night he has been waking up in the middle of the night quite a bit. It wouldn't be so bad if he went back to sleep right away. Instead he wallows all over me as he fusses. I'm not a huge fan of using medicine on little ones but it was desperate times. 

He looks so happy here. It was right before a meltdown. 

To make things a little easier on him and me we went for a walk today. He loves being outside and at 213 I really need to walk. Too bad it hasn't really cooled off much here in lower Arkansas. We are suppose to experience a cool down in the next few days. 

I tried to add a little whole milk to his formula to make the transition a little easier. He hated it and would not take the bottle. That one little ounce I added and he refused it. He is one smart cookie. 

He is refusing to eat any baby food and isn't even finishing a whole bottle. I've read and heard that babies go through these phases so I'm not too worried right now. 

He just got off antibiotics due to a small ear infection. His cold symptoms have went away and I hope the ear problem is gone too. I wish doctors did follow up exams for babies each time they are brought in. With little ones you just never know. 

Tuesday night I got desperate and had my parents take Jack for the night. It had been too many nights with no sleep and too many days going to work with no energy. I needed this break. Tuesday night I had the house to myself since my husband was working. I watched tv, blogged, ate pizza, took a nice shower, did my toes, and cleaned. It was much appreciated. I was able to get so much done in that short amount of time. I tried to not feel guilty but it is hard. Of course I missed him and I almost drove over to get him but I talked myself into taking this time to recharge. 

Times like these I think Jack might be an only child. 

Weigh In Wednesday

Still at 213. 

My eating is all over the place. It is hard to be consistent when our schedule changes so much. I know. I know. Excuses. 

When J is not home (which is half the time) I don't cook supper. Cooking for one is never fun and Jack doesn't let me out of his sight. By the time he goes to bed at around 7 I don't care about actual food. I wanna grab some cookies or maybe a microwavable meal. My go to lately has been Cheez-its. Super healthy-I know. Typically I grab something on my way to bed. This is not healthy but I'm not sure how to change it. 

When J is home I cook and we usually eat between 5-6. This is a better time to eat supper. These meals aren't necessarily healthy but they are decent or at least considered a supper compared to a bowl of ice cream. 

Breakfast and lunch isn't really a problem. I eat a protein bar for breakfast and usually a sandwich, a few chips, and 2 cookies for lunch. Supper is my negative eating. 

Exercise. Oh the dreaded and loved topic of exercise. I love exercising once I do it but getting to those first steps is like the equivalent of climbing Mt. Anything. 

Every time in the past that I've lost weight exercise has been key. I can eat healthy all I want but if I don't exercise I don't drop a pound. I was kinda hoping that the two trips to the park would have at least dropped me down a pound. 

My before supper eating is not a good thing. My not exercising is not good. 

I gotta change if I want to lose some weight. Just not sure how.

Any suggestions? 

Currently

Listening to: The quiet whenever possible. Turning the radio off on the way to and from work is a must. Mama needs her shalom time.

 

Eating: Junk. I suck. That's it.

 

Reading: Parenting magazine and blogs. My mind is in serious need of melting into a novel but the time isn't there right now.

 

Anticipating: New fall tv. I know what you are thinking. If I wouldn't watch tv then I could do that workout or read that book. Sorry. Not sorry. Ain't gonna happen. I gotta have my Barney Stinson and my Shelton. They keep me afloat.

 

Learning: To take the bad with a little more ease. I tend to stress and I need to continue working on not letting one thing ruin my whole day. If the dog pees on the floor I should be able to recover and not let it make everything else suck.

 

Worried about: Money. Money. Money. We have serious medical bills and will have them for years to come. I miss shopping.

 

Working on: Organizing our home. It is a mess again. It was organized in the spring and now it is back to chaos. Work in progress!

 

Wearing: My same old clothes. I need a fashion makeover.

Now I need to share a cutie who is in love with swinging at the park.

Birthday Traditions

With Jack's first birthday quickly approaching I have been thinking a lot about what traditions I want to start. The first birthday is so important for starting such wonderful traditions. There are many great ideas out there. Today I am going to share some of the contenders. 

1. Use a special plate. I had a friend who had one of these growing up and she loved it. Not only was it her birthday plate but her mom brought it out for other special occasions to celebrate such as a good game, baptism, and passing a hard test. 

This is the plate I made for Jack

2. Tell him his birth story. I saw this on Gilmore Girls and I think it is really cute. Such a special moment between child and parent.

3. Photo banner of the past year. I've been taking a picture of Jack each Wednesday since he was born. This idea came from Leslie at Violet Imperfection.  I've been thinking of ways to use them so this would be great. I can then take the pictures and put them in a special album. 

4. Read Happy Birthday to You by Dr. Seuss. I think this would be cute to do that night before bed. 

5. Fill his room with balloons. I'm really considering this one. I love the idea of him waking up to that wonderment. Of course, I am also a little nervous about a baby and balloons. I'm starting to think filling the living room with balloons would be best. I can do it the night before without waking him. 

6. Celebrate with a first. For example, their first hair cut. Each year you have to come up with something else to be their first such as first time on a roller coaster.

7. Professional pictures done. We are doing this for sure this year. The appointment is already made. Here is the outfit I got him to wear. 

8. A gift first thing birthday morning. We have decided to give Jack his present from us first thing that morning. I think it is such a great idea that we'll do it every year. He will get several gifts and I really want to enjoy the excitement of him getting that special present. 

Do you have a favorite birthday tradition?